An elderly man owned a large farm with a large pond in the back, fixed
up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, plus some apple and
peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the fruit
trees by the pond. 

He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in  the pond.  He made the women aware of his presence so they all
went to the deep end.  One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man said,  "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim  naked or make you get out of the pond naked." 

Holding the bucket up he  said, "I'm just down here to feed the
alligator." 


Moral: -- Some old men can still think fast.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"

• Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.
• Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.
• Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• Never eat prunes when you are famished.
• Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.
• Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.
• Never have so many people understood so little about so much.
• Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting.
• Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.
• Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to make!
• Never marry a woman who prays too much.
• Never mistake good manners for good will.
• Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
• Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married.
• Never step in anything soft.
• Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.
• Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.
• Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
• Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.

• Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.
• Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.
• Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• Never eat prunes when you are famished.
• Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.
• Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.
• Never have so many people understood so little about so much.
• Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting.
• Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.
• Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to make!
• Never marry a woman who prays too much.
• Never mistake good manners for good will.
• Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
• Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married.
• Never step in anything soft.
• Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.
• Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.
• Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
• Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted - It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. As he was delayed, the priest decided to speak while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled.

Still, as the days went on I learned my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

The Moral of this story: Never, Never, Never Ever, Be Late

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer , along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!