Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year. Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, only a helicopter ride is fifty bucks,  And fifty bucks is
fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,
and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never
get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, yet not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

And, still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I am very impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell
out, But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

My wife has just told me I have to quit drinking beer because we can't afford it any more.

Then I pointed out she spent £65 on make up yesterday.

I asked her why I had to give up beer, and she didn't have to give up stuff.

She said the make up was to make her pretty for me.

I said the beer was for the same thing.

I don't think she's coming back :(

One day my house work-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me:

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' 

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma' 

And they say blondes are dumb... 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times..?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative ;  he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.  
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the   order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.  
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,   he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.  
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.  
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? 
"You're with the"GOVERNMENT"....  This time I know I’m gonna get screwed."

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is the Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman that can't even afford a washing machine is probably too poor to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A Man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more often than women?
Because a woman can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she is told.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went away on vacation to Jerusalem.  Sadly, while they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or, you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about this for a few seconds and told the undertake to make arrangements for having his wife shipped home.
The undertaker slightly puzzled asked the man, "Why you would spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land AND save yourself a bunch of money in the process?"
The man replied, "A long time ago, there was a man who died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"