A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her   pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the   bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150

Ten year old Mary was sat in Sunday school dozing off during a Jesus lecture. Realising she wasn't paying attention, the teacher said, "Mary, who is our Lord?"
Billy, the boy sat behind Mary, poked her in the back with his pencil. Mary leapt up and cried "Jesus Christ!"
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher, carrying on with the lecture. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes the teacher said, "Mary, give us an example of blasphemy."
Billy leant forward and poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. "Oh my God!" Mary yelled.
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes later the teacher said, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Billy poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. Mary leapt up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it!"

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted - It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done

In Memorium
              
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world now, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
 
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
 They put his left leg in. 

It was then when the trouble started.

A mother and her young son were flying South-West Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes".

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) suggested that her son go ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said "Yes, she did."

"Well, then you go back and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain THAT to you."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny and it goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds.
So I bought her a scale.
It was then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
It was then the fight started...

I accidentally rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road as the other driver slowly got out of his car. Do you know how sometimes, when you just get soooo stressed, little things seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... the other driver was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I swear, I just couldn't help it.
I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?'
It was then the fight started...

When I got home the other night, my wife demanded I take her some where expensive... so, I took her to a pertrol/gas station...
And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,'  I sighed, she's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could celebrate so long?'
And then the fight started...

Samantha is a croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night

Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor,

While her baking instructor "popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week".

Pub which has a sign saying: "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear".

I am sorry, Samantha won't be able to join us tonight as she has had to meet a bee keeper friend in Warrington. Samantha has recently taken up Bee keeping and has around 3 dozen so far. Her friend quite often frees her thirty eight bees and has them flying around his head!

Samantha spent several hours down in the gramophone archive earlier, choosing four of the very best, and those magnificent hits are about to be given an airing for the teams' delight. She'll soon have them swinging along to the music.,

Samantha, can't be with us today as she's away helping an elderly neighbour clear out for a house move. This morning she sorted his box room and later she's going to join him in the attic to have a good rummage in his trunks.

Samantha has drawn my attention to several misunderstandings in past introductions to this round, as she takes her preparation work for it very seriously. She insists we spend hours in the gramophone archive researching records, and I can't tell you how long she keeps me down there. However, she retains her sense of humour, and if I ever do slip up she always gives me a reassuring smile when I put it incorrectly.

I spent a frankly unrewarding half hour down there this morning, until Samantha generously offered to help me out. Strictly speaking, her contract doesn't cover research, and by asking her to have an unpaid poke amongst the record stack I might have put her in an awkward position, but she didn't mind.

Samantha spent a few hours browsing among the shelves in the singles archive this week, and as a result of a rewarding poke in the country section, she was thrilled to discover a mint condition 7 inch Boxcar Willie.

As ever, Samantha spent some hours down in the gramophone archive selecting the team's discs. You know, she puts in a lot of hard work on this round and she gets a bit fed up with silly comments about the way she 'checks the teams' 7 inchers' or 'pulls out my reproduction equipment and twists my knob'. Samantha tells me she tries to take no notice of these pathetic, puerile critics, but it isn't always easy to ignore her knockers.

Samantha has spent a rewarding evening amongst the shelves down in the gramophone archive. As ever, her keen eye has spotted a firm favourite or two, and she couldn't resist getting them down.

Samantha has been busying herself down in the gramophone archive, pulling out a 7 incher for each of the teams, and checking closely for damage. She was disappointed to see one or two were worn almost flat through over use. Fortunately, she has a couple of fine 45s in reserve for just such an emergency, and will be getting them out soon to put things right.

The above are allegedly double entendre by Humphrey Richard Adeane Lyttelton (23 May 1921 – 25 April 2008) - Website