Archive for 'kids'
Young Charlie
Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework,
so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small
numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite
good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school
-- you'll have to do it in your head."
The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is
five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what
his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting,
Charlie announces "Eleven!"
Adam and Eve – Sunday School Snooze
Ten year old Mary was sat in Sunday school dozing off during a Jesus lecture. Realising she wasn't paying attention, the teacher said, "Mary, who is our Lord?"
Billy, the boy sat behind Mary, poked her in the back with his pencil. Mary leapt up and cried "Jesus Christ!"
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher, carrying on with the lecture. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes the teacher said, "Mary, give us an example of blasphemy."
Billy leant forward and poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. "Oh my God!" Mary yelled.
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes later the teacher said, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Billy poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. Mary leapt up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it!"
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SouthWest Airlines Flight Attendant Joke
A mother and her young son were flying South-West Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes".
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) suggested that her son go ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said "Yes, she did."
"Well, then you go back and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain THAT to you."
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Major Historical Event
or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event
that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "Why was that dance was so important to you?"
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Hooked On Phonics
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
Hooked on phonics! Gotta love it...
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The Vicar and the Mower
The local vicar was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?", asked the vicar.
The young boy thought for a moment, then replied "I just want enough money to go out and buy a bicycle."
After a moment of consideration, the vicar asked, "Will you take my bike in exchange for it?"
The boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, he said, "You've got yourself a deal!"
The vicar took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. He called the boy over and said, "I can't seem to get it to start."
"That's because you have to swear at it to get it started."
The vicar said, "I can't swear. It's been so long since I became a Vicar, I don't even remember how to swear."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'If you keep pulling on that rope for long enough, it'll soon come back to you."
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Daddy’s Little Girl
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 ½ years old & had gotten me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
My daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of my tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mother came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest little thing!'
My mother waited, and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you the only place she can reach to get any water is in the toilet?'
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25 Reasons I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
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