A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her   pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the   bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150

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In Memorium
              
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world now, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
 
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
 They put his left leg in. 

It was then when the trouble started.

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny and it goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds.
So I bought her a scale.
It was then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
It was then the fight started...

I accidentally rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road as the other driver slowly got out of his car. Do you know how sometimes, when you just get soooo stressed, little things seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... the other driver was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I swear, I just couldn't help it.
I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?'
It was then the fight started...

When I got home the other night, my wife demanded I take her some where expensive... so, I took her to a pertrol/gas station...
And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,'  I sighed, she's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could celebrate so long?'
And then the fight started...

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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is the Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman that can't even afford a washing machine is probably too poor to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A Man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more often than women?
Because a woman can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she is told.

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My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

Hooked on phonics! Gotta love it...

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The local vicar was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came  upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?", asked the vicar.
The young boy thought for a moment, then replied "I just want enough money to go out and buy a bicycle."
After a moment of consideration, the vicar asked, "Will you take my bike in exchange for it?"
The boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, he said, "You've got yourself a deal!"
The vicar took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. He called the boy over and said, "I can't seem to get it to start."
"That's because you have to swear at it to get it started."
The vicar said,  "I can't swear. It's been so long since I became a Vicar, I don't even remember how to swear."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'If you keep pulling on that rope for long enough, it'll soon come back to you."

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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 ½ years old & had gotten me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

My daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a cup of “tea”, which was just water.

After several cups of my tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mother came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest little thing!'

My mother waited, and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you the only place she can reach to get any water is in the toilet?'

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