• Golf balls are like eggs, they're white, they're sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.   
• A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.  
• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.  
• When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m.  to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard? 
• Golf is by far the ultimate love/hate relationship.  Sometime is seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.
• It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery.  On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.  
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.  
• Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.  
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.  
• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.  
• That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. 
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.  
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.  
• You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway!  A sweatshirt will do just fine!  
• Golf appeals to the child in all of us.  This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.  
• It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not choosy about which fairway. 
• If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.  
• The greatest sound in golf is the Wosh, Wosh, Wosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway. 
• A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest.  They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year. Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, only a helicopter ride is fifty bucks,  And fifty bucks is
fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,
and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never
get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, yet not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

And, still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I am very impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell
out, But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

An elderly man owned a large farm with a large pond in the back, fixed
up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, plus some apple and
peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the fruit
trees by the pond. 

He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in  the pond.  He made the women aware of his presence so they all
went to the deep end.  One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man said,  "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim  naked or make you get out of the pond naked." 

Holding the bucket up he  said, "I'm just down here to feed the
alligator." 


Moral: -- Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly Gentleman, goes on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his
faithful, old dog he had named Genius (because he was the smartest dog
Neil had ever know) along for the company.     One day, Genius starts chasing rabbits and before long, he discovers
he's lost his way. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the intention of having lunch.   So Genius thinks, "Oh, ho! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"  Then noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching predator. 

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, 

"Boy, was that one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?"  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his approach, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 

"Whew! what a close one! That old dog nearly had me!"  A monkey who had been watching the whole thing from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for some
future protection from the leopard.  So, off he goes after the leopard.

Only Genius sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
being a very smart experienced old dog, he figures something bad must be
up.   The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The young leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says, 

"Here, monkey, hop up on my back and watch what's happens to conniving
canine!   Now, Genius sees the leopard coming toward him with the monkey on his
back and thinks, 

"What am I going to do now?", 

Thinking fast, Genius, instead of his running, he sits down with his
back to the leopard and his snitch, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Then just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog acting Like he
is talking to himself says,  "I wonder where's the monkey is?  It is been long enough since I sent
him off to bring me another leopard !


Moral of this story...  Don't mess with the old dogs...   Age and Skill will always overcome Youth and Energy!  

My wife has just told me I have to quit drinking beer because we can't afford it any more.

Then I pointed out she spent £65 on make up yesterday.

I asked her why I had to give up beer, and she didn't have to give up stuff.

She said the make up was to make her pretty for me.

I said the beer was for the same thing.

I don't think she's coming back :(

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her   pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the   bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150

One day my house work-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me:

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' 

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma' 

And they say blondes are dumb... 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times..?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative ;  he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.  
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the   order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.  
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,   he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.  
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.  
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? 
"You're with the"GOVERNMENT"....  This time I know I’m gonna get screwed."

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, the same thing. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said," Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night it was Fred's turn. Fred was an old cowboy who'd been around the block a few times. The next morning Fred came to breakfast, 'bright eyed and bushy tailed'. His hunting buddies were stunned and asked him, "What happened?"
He drawled, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass, and gave him a good night kiss. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge
quietly reviews some papers and then says, 

"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,
"I live in a two-story house." 

The Judge replies, 

"What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story
house?" 

The man answers, 

"Well, Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is
'It's that time of the month.'"